Through the “anesthesia” of romantic love we “unconsciously” choose a partner who later we come to realize is a reasonable facsimile of the parent with whom we were likely to have some positive experiences but also some perceived negative experiences where our deeper underlying needs may well have gone unrecognized and unexamined. If our partner does something that generates similar feelings, we may end up feeling as hurt and frustrated as we did in earlier times. Often we think our partner is responsible for the hurt in the moment.

Do you rehash the chronology of events noting who said what to whom often in circular fashion that only serves to perpetuate the defensive reactivity that leads to the inevitable rupture? The “space” between them becomes toxic as the conversation turns into an argument, the argument turns into an assault, the assault turns into a war zone where the couples end up in a cold war or hot war having lost the precious connection that existed before.

The degree to which we feel safe in the presence of the other is the degree to which we will reveal our true self to the other. In an atmosphere of safety the defenses relax and our heart opens. In an atmosphere of fear and eggshells, the defenses will be called up in half a nanosecond because the other has been registered as a “dangerous person”. Change only happens when we do something different.

When we fall in love, we are actually loving a projection, a fantasy of the wished for person being like me. Our inhibitions are lifted. We feel more whole and alive. We feel more attractive, fun loving, more open sexually and more generous. At last we have met our “Soul Mate” with whom all of our love needs will be met. When the illusion begins to crack, all of those sweet little things we so adored in the other begin to grate on us. What attracted us may now repel. All those former met needs are now frustrated in that our beloved is not as giving, attentive or willing to please. We often begin to feel desperate for our partner to get back to the way they behaved in the beginning. The power struggle begins when, in our desire to be loved and cherished, we start to criticize, demand, coerce, withdraw, get angry, cold and distant hoping that our partner will change.

What we begin to gradually discover, much to our dismay, is that we are living with a person who is NOT me, who has different likes, dislikes, opposing points of view and perhaps a very different way of handling a situation. Anxiety arises when we perceive the “other” as separate and quite different from the original fantasy of having met just the “right” person. As Harville Hendrix says: “Your partner is not you. You do not marry yourself.”

Real love can only occur when the discovery of the “other” as different, is held without judgment. Instead, our shift of consciousness comes when you can remain open and curious about the other’s internal world. You know “intellectually” that your partner is a different person from your self but “emotionally” you have to remind your self that your partner has a different internal world, with unique experiences that have shaped the way they see the world. This is big work but IMPORTANT if you are to go from fantasy love to mature love.